Stock Market on Thanksgiving: Does It *Actually* Close?
Generated Title: Your Thanksgiving Survival Guide: How to Function When the Entire Country Shuts Down
Okay, so Thanksgiving's coming. Great. Another day where everything grinds to a halt so we can all pretend to be grateful while simultaneously plotting our Black Friday shopping routes. But seriously, what's open? What's closed? And how do you survive when the entire damn country takes a nap?
Banking on Disappointment
Let's start with the obvious: banks. Closed. Bank of America, Chase, Citizens Bank... all taking a holiday. Which means if you were planning on depositing that check, or, I don't know, accessing your own damn money, you're SOL until Friday. "Holidays may affect the time it takes to process certain transactions," Bank of America so helpfully points out. Translation: We'll get to it when we get to it, peasant.
Seriously, in this digital age, why the hell do banks still need to close for a whole day? It's not like tellers are hand-cranking the numbers. Are we still living in the 1950s? And don't even get me started on the fact that Citizens Bank is closed both Thanksgiving and the day after. Lazy bastards.
Mail Mayhem (or Lack Thereof)
Post offices? You guessed it. Ghost town. The USPS will only be delivering Priority Mail Express, because apparently, your grandma's fruitcake recipe isn't important enough for 24-hour service. Normal mail service resumes Friday, but let's be real, who trusts the post office to be on time anyway? Are banks, post offices, UPS and FedEx open on Thanksgiving? Here's what you need to know.
They do suggest using self-service kiosks, which is just a fancy way of saying "deal with it yourself." I swear, every time I go to one of those things, it's either broken or out of stamps. But hey, at least they're open... probably.
And speaking of services, it's always something with the USPS. My goddamn mailman always leaves packages out in the open, even when I leave specific instructions. I'm just waiting for the day something gets stolen.
Shipping Shutdown
UPS and FedEx? Mostly closed. UPS Express Critical® and FedEx Custom Critical® are still kicking, but those are for emergencies, not for shipping your Aunt Mildred's ceramic cat collection. So, no pickups or deliveries on Thanksgiving.
Look, I get it. People deserve a day off. But in a world where we can order everything from groceries to goddamn cars online, it's getting harder and harder to accept these blanket shutdowns. It's like the entire country is stuck in dial-up mode.
The Stock Market Sleeps
Oh, and if you were hoping to make a quick buck on the stock market before stuffing your face with turkey, forget about it. The New York Stock Exchange is closed. Because apparently, even money needs a day off. I wonder if the algorithms get to celebrate too?
So, What's the Real Deal?
Look, I'm not saying people shouldn't have Thanksgiving. I'm just saying this whole "everything shuts down" routine is increasingly absurd. We live in a 24/7 world, or at least, we pretend we do. But on Thanksgiving, we're all forced to remember that, yeah, everything is still run by humans who need to eat turkey and watch football. Maybe I'm just being a cynical jerk. Probably.